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For healthy borders or the ability to say 'no'

Have you ever say "yes" when you wanted to say "no"? Have you had the feeling that people benefit from your kindness and expect you to ignore your own comfort in order to fulfill their desires? Are you ready always to take the responsibly work, and in return someone to rob the laurels? On the one hand, it can mean that you are trustworthy and reliable friend whom can always count on. But on the other - that you have been used.

Think how many times a day we agree to do something which is no necessary only because we are embarrassed to refuse. Then we blame ourselves for our cowardice. That’s because when we said yes, we have neglected the most important person in the world, ourselves.

If it sounds familiar to you, it's time to put the healthy borders. The boundaries determine how others can benefit you, your time, finances, etc.

Defining and defending these borders is a part of self-care, as well as healthy eating or putting on warm clothes in winter. We must realize the extent of our personal space and to have the strength and courage to stand up.

Availability and defending these borders is healthy both for ourselves and for the people with whom we have relationships.

First, when you do not allow others to violate your time and convenience, this increases your self-esteem.

I treat others with respect and demand it of them. If someone crossed those borders I will talk to him and tell him how I had affected of his behavior. It is possible that this person will be disappointed by the refusal but deep inside, he will retain respect. If somehow still continue to behave disrespectful towards me, I will terminated the relationship.

Forget about the guilt.

Your pans are NOT less valuable than the others ‘desires. 

Remember that you have right to use your money and time according your opinion. You have right to don’t respond the others expectation and to not feel that you are selfish, when you reject the thing which are not suitable for you. 

Remember that many people use the accusation of guilt to achieve what they want. Very often it is accompanied by flattery like, "I do not know what I would do without you" or "If you do not help me, I'll be ruined," etc. And you as a sensitive person will not be able to leave your friend helpless and suffering and will allow him to manipulate you.  In additional there is the fear to destroy the relations with this man, if we refuse his request.

And then you will feel weak, used and of course, deep in you will rise up feelings of resentment and anger. This feeling is toxic for both the mind and emotions as well as for your physical body. So do not let guilt to guide you when you help someone. Remember that as you and the other person has the same resources to cope with difficult situations, and if your help is really compelling, then let it be with love, not obligation. And remember, you can give help not against your interests. 

If we want to have time for the important things in our lives, we must begin to say "no." Learn to say "no" without feeling guilty. Do not think that hurt other person. Think for yourself! it doesn’t make you a bad person. It rises your self-respect and the respect of others. 

We must train to defend our borders!

To determine our own borders is half done. Far more difficult is to defend them.  They will necessarily encounter resistance. Get ready to hear convincing arguments about what you're doing. In that case, listen to yourself. The feelings that arise in violation of your limits as an insult, anger, fear are not negligible. Suppressing them can unleash some more bad traits. So be honest with yourself and with others. Honesty is a manifestation of love, both to them and to you.

Train ability to say "no." Gradually you will learn to not feel guilty because you are responsible for others' behavior or decisions.

When you exercise your limits and learn to say no, you'll have more free time to devote to your priorities - as studying, reading a book, learning to play a musical instrument, starting a new business, etc.

In addition, when you exercise strong and healthy boundaries as a parent, you teach your children how to do the same. You do not want your children to squander time and energy, right?

Thus, the boundaries are a form of care of us. When you defend your borders, which means that you successfully speak up for ourselves and not allow others to manipulate you, imply guilt or control, your confidence increases. The boundaries make you healthier and happier because you are no longer obsessed with the idea that people have taken advantage of you. When you feel offended, you are suffering day and night of cowardly behavior of the other person to you. This pattern of thinking, can lead to depression, anxiety, addictions, loneliness, fear, and other toxic to your body and mind results.

Autor: Iva Uzunova

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